Money

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook and a good digestion

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others

The world asks, what does a man own? Christ, how does he use it?

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

Few man have virtue to withstand the highest bidder

I would as soon leave to my son a curse as the almighty Dollar

He who pays the piper calls the tune

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive

All money is a matter of belief

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it

Fame, I have already. Now I need the money

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept

Money is our madness, our vast collective madness

Money's a horrid thing to follow, but a charming thing to meet

Profit is sweet, even if it comes from deception